"Someone once told me that time is a flat circle. Everything we've ever done or will do, we're gonna do over and over again. You are reborn, but into the same life that you've always been born into."
The problem I've found with black holes is that they're cyclical. From the point where I landed on that June day, I immediately entered further into a vortex that resounded nothing - nearly creating an event horizon that I could not pull myself back from. Unfortunately, I reveled and fell in love with a cycle of harm that was extremely difficult to break away from.
If it wasn't drugs, it was the aforementioned [redacted].
I found myself in the throes of drug abuse, particularly fond of the opioid kratom and in love with alcohol to deal with the pain that my behavioral addiction and spiritual trauma created.
There was a part of me that absolutely loved this rabbit hole of continuing the cycle and the thrill that it brought me, and ultimately the chance to escape reality continually appealed to me. I didn't have to worry about the pain associated with losing [redacted].
When I finally decided to break that chain from all addictions, especially behavioral, all hell felt like it was breaking loose. There is a strange instability that comes with deciding to leave a black hole, there is a painful realization that comes with recognizing the magnitude of such a loss.
At the event horizon where nothing, not even light itself could get in, I found myself adrift in space. Lost among the sea of stars, I explored the vastness of it all by traveling to different places, by being with friends, but found that the greatest insights came from my writing. The calm, unforgiving silence of the atmosphere begged me to look within, and as I do this, I learn to spot the waves of an event horizon from miles away.
The pull that a black hole has itself is neither specific to the actual object that's pulling you in, nor is it the special feeling that initially draws you in: it is utterly indifferent. The face of what draws you into its darkness may change, but it is the same vaccuous entropy.
My advice is that if you find yourself in this place, redirect your focus on to healthier hobbies and strengthen your knowledge on addiction. If you're armed with knowledge, you can find a way out.
If there is no way to build a healthy relationship with what drew you into such a place of negativity, and there's a pretty high chance that there isn't a healthy way with most of these things that pull you in, then it is ultimately best to leave it behind and to find something that feels renewing in a way that won't completely destroy you.
You deserve to escape the event horizon.