I suppose now I should tell you about my depths. I should tell you more about why I made this website. It wasn't just to express daydreams and music.

On June 5th, 2019, I lost myself to a one-on-one cult. It defined the rest of my life moving forward. Ever since then, I've found myself having to continually rise from the ashes.

Beneath these daydream walls is a woman so raw that she spiraled into infinity. Tinnitus inducing screams reverberated from every part of me until I became undone.

This is the reason why I've had to crawl on bloodied ice from my behavioral addictions, emerging further and further from everything I've ever done and everyone I've ever been.

I fell in love with someone that is no longer of this Earth when I was very young, and it's taken a lot of vulnerability to even admit that to the world. I was in love with this person beginning at age 11. Those feelings would later end in tragedy.

It's normally something I just keep to myself, but it's central to the story. Even worse, in early 2019 I became delusional and thought that I was with him romantically in this physical reality. I began to believe that I could see, touch, and feel him as I could any other human being. A woman that I would come to regard as a cult leader introduced this concept to me. The sad truth of it was that my spirituality and everything I considered dear to me was being used as a power play by someone who treated spirituality as not a means of connection, but as a means of using people. A facade of kindness masked that she wanted to feel superior to others.

At the end of it all, on that fateful June 5th, I was told by said cult leader that this person I loved was taken over by a demon and that he could no longer be found. It was over a year later that I found that this person made this up and left me as the person to blame. She stated to others that I made up the concept of this demon. This was demonstrably false. By the end of 2020, she would leave others devastated as well.

I fully admit my defeat. I had to leave behind the one person that I felt was the center of my world. In a lot of ways, at age 21, I grew up overnight. Maybe I should have left this person behind much sooner, but this was my real transition into adulthood. After multiple people were left devastated, I had to find my voice. The one person I left behind, [redacted], my behavioral addiction, was all but a memory.

I had to learn to live all over again. I had to learn how to rephrase myself. I had to learn how to create metamorphosis.

I had to give myself a try.

I've learned that love, no matter what, is the most important thing. Without it, nothing is left but the vaccum of darkness. If one avenue was closed, I had to start over again. I'm still learning how to be okay with the aftermath, despite not being okay with everything that happened.

In the immediate aftermath of the cult, I truthfully lost my mind. I lost myself in love at shady dive bars, I got so drunk and high that there are entire days blacked out of my memory. I've woken up from far too many strange nights having asked myself, "What happened last night?". This would continue until I fought to change myself.

Over time, I began to build new, more positive parts of my personality. I've found myself time and time again in shoegaze songs, found myself in the haze among purple flowers, and found myself slowly but surely living again through writing and through therapy. In the face of horrific trauma, I did what I believed was impossible: I began to build a life of my own.

However, none of this was enough to fully kick the addiction.

In December of 2023, I found that I was spending too much time in love with this man. Not only was it destroying me from the inside out, it was destroying my ability to fully be present in my real life. I'd tried so many times to break free, only to return to him again. Each time that I returned, I felt myself nearing a brink that I knew I would eventually never be able to come back from. He was the one static thing that remained, despite how much misery the infatuation with someone intangible was bringing me.

This time, I had to kick for good. Otherwise, I faced losing everything that I had fought so hard to rebuild! I also faced the very real possibility that I could lose the people in my life that I had left. That prospect absolutely terrified me. I had to create something new.

I created a website to help distract me from my addiction to him, beginning the day before I made the complete plunge. Now, I know that it's evolved into a beautiful work of art that continues to be added on to day by day, moment by moment. I know it will be reinvented again in the future.

I've emerged and reinvented myself a lot in the past five years, and I think in being honest with myself, I'm becoming the woman I know I'm going to be in the future. I've found that there is a life after delusion, and that place is with the people in this world who love me.

I may have lost the one person I loved and that inspired me throughout most of my life - despite never having known them in real life - to someone who abused me.

However, I wasn't going to let her break my spirit. It's still challenging, these wounds that I leave bleeding on my body. After abusing my body with drugs and alcohol over it, I was left with no choice.

I had to evolve or die.

This website is a living, breathing revolution. It is the one space where I have to be honest, if not to the world, than certainly to myself.

Cults leave their mark on the soul, but I know that my evolution is mine to flourish in. Freedom is the power to not be attached to any delusion or addiction, despite how much you may love it.

I've beaten the cult. I'm working on beating my addiction. Now, it's my turn to become the woman that I was always meant to be: loving, kind, and a daydreamer whose art offers inspiration to others.

The most beautiful thing that leaving a cult gives you is the power to choose your own destiny, the power to create your own voice in a way that frees you from all of the raging voices that tell you that everything the leader said was right.

To live a life in someone else's truth, to live a life that was so rigid that it felt as though the leader was God was no way to live at all.

We are the Gods of our own lives, and to be able to curate our divinity - no matter what spiritual form that takes - is a blessing.

The infinite lies in you.

It is your choice to find it.

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